I keep saying that I have no faith left in God. But that didn’t stop me from sending a silent prayer when I heard someone in my building had passed away. I asked God to grant him peace & help his family members. I curse God when something goes wrong, which is more often than not with me. I have stopped saying my daily prayers, but at the exact time when I used to say it, right after having bath, I get this empty feeling. I miss saying my prayers. I promise myself that he no longer matters to me but the moment I see some picture of his I just melt & start thinking about how wonderful he looks (as though he is a living handsome hero!). I feel terribly bad when I badmouth him & want him to prove me wrong immediately! Then when he doesn’t do anything I get disappointed.
Faith is a strange thing. It is more inbuilt than developed over time. I won’t call this thing I have within me faith, but whatever it is it keeps taking me back to God. I feel this constant need to talk to him, complain is more like it, but talk nevertheless. It just won’t do to completely forget him & not think of him at all. I have to. I have to share things with him. I have to scream at him for being unfair. I have to get angry & then disappointed for not explaining his stand to me. Though I do not understand his ways of meting out justice & nor do I think he is always fair, I still believe in them for some reason which I do not understand.
To summarize I just have to be in touch with him from time – to – time, all – the – time.